Hosting a playdate at your house gives your child practice with friendship skills while you’re nearby. Some playdates go smoothly from start to finish. Other times, an argument breaks out over what to play, or your child wanders off and leaves their guest alone. To be ready for those moments, you can prepare ahead of time by teaching kids to be a good host before their friend arrives. Being a playdate host also gives your child a chance to practice some of the core skills psychologists look at when they assess a child’s social development, like understanding another person’s point of view and adjusting their own behavior.
How playdate hosting helps your child’s developing brain
Being a good playdate host may help your child think about how someone else is feeling, which is a skill called perspective-taking. Psychologists also describe a related ability called theory of mind, the understanding that other people have their own thoughts, wants and feelings. Most children begin to show this understanding in the preschool years, and it keeps developing through childhood and into the teen years.
When your child hosts a playdate, they put these skills to work. When hosting a playdate, your child has to pay attention to whether their guest is having fun or feeling left out, and then adjust what they’re doing. At the same time, your child also has to manage their own wants, like holding off on their favorite game because their guest wants to play something else. That kind of self-control draws on executive functions, which help your child hold back an impulse and change plans when needed.
Practicing at your home, with you nearby, may help your child build these skills in a setting where mistakes are easy to recover from. A guest who has a good time also tends to want to come back, and more time together may help the friendship grow.
Why playdate hosting may be harder for some kids
Every child has moments when hosting doesn’t go smoothly. For some kids, though, it may take more effort to build the skills behind hosting, and knowing why may help you coach them with more patience.
- Kids with ADHD may struggle with impulse control and sustained attention. They may grab the first turn or drift off to another activity without noticing their guest is left behind.
- Kids on the autism spectrum may find it harder to read a friend’s facial expressions or tone of voice. Some also prefer familiar routines and rules, so a friend who plays a game differently may feel very upsetting.
- Kids who experience anxiety may worry so much about whether their guest is having fun that they freeze up or try too hard to please.
These challenges don’t mean your child can’t learn to host well. They may simply need more practice and more specific guidance, and some kids benefit from support outside the home, too.
Five rules for being a good playdate host
The five rules below are adapted from a friendship coaching approach that psychologists use to help parents guide their children’s social skills at home. Each rule turns a broad idea like “be nice to your friend” into a specific behavior your child can practice, like letting the guest choose the first game. Specific expectations tend to be easier for kids to follow than general ones, because your child knows exactly what to do.
The rules also give you and your child a shared language. During a playdate, a quick reference to one of the rules may be enough to get your child back on track, without a long explanation in front of their friend. You don’t have to treat the list as strict requirements. You can use it as a guide and adjust it to fit your child and your family.
How you introduce the rules matters, too. Kids may listen better when the rules don’t seem to come from you. You might tell your child you found this list in a parenting book or online, so it feels like a guide every host follows, instead of a new rule you made up. You can also print the rules and post them on the fridge, which may make them feel more official than a verbal reminder. By following these rules, your child also practices a specific social skill with each one.
1. Let the guest choose
When the kids can’t agree on what to do, teach your child to let the guest pick. Letting the guest choose shows that your child cares about their friend’s experience, and it gives them practice putting someone else’s wishes ahead of their own for a while. If your child doesn’t like the choice, they can suggest something else politely. Instead of “This stinks,” they might say, “How about after this round we play something else?”
2. Make your guest feel welcome
Your child can offer a snack and ask what their friend would like to do. Starting a conversation and making an offer are both ways of initiating social contact, which some kids find hard. You can practice a simple welcome together ahead of time, like “Hi, come on in! Do you want a snack first, or do you want to see my room?” A new house may feel unfamiliar to a guest, and a friendly greeting may help them feel comfortable from the start.
3. Don’t criticize how your guest plays
Kids who care a lot about rules may get upset when a friend plays a game differently. Help your child find a middle ground with a line like “Can we agree to play it this way today?” That way, both kids get a say, and nobody feels corrected. Going along with a different rule takes flexible thinking, and if your child tends to be rigid about rules, you can practice by trying out a new house rule during family game time.
4. Stay with your guest
Many kids break this rule at home without meaning to. They wander off to their room or start playing with a sibling, and their guest ends up alone. Teach your child that if a friend is over, they stay with that friend unless the friend asks for space. Staying engaged with one person for a whole playdate takes sustained attention, so kids who are easily distracted may need a gentle reminder now and then.
5. Say a warm goodbye
Your child can thank their friend for coming and say something kind, like “That was fun, let’s do it again soon.” Ending an interaction warmly is part of social reciprocity, the back-and-forth that keeps friendships going. Goodbye is often when the other parent sees your child, too, so a warm goodbye may leave a good impression, even if the playdate had a rough patch.
Go over the rules before the playdate
Review the rules before the friend arrives, while your child is calm and can focus. You might talk through a couple of situations together, like what your child could say if their friend picks a game they don’t enjoy. If something comes up during the playdate, a quick, quiet word, such as “Remember, your guest picks first,” may help without embarrassing your child.
After the friend leaves, tell your child which rules they followed well, so they know what to keep doing. If one rule was hard to follow, a short chat about it may help, as long as it doesn’t turn into a lecture.
When playdates keep falling apart
If playdates keep going badly even with a plan, more support may help. You may notice that your child has trouble reading a friend’s cues, or that their frustration boils over quickly when things don’t go their way. A mental health assessment may help identify whether ADHD, autism or a learning difference is part of what makes social situations harder for your child. Knowing what’s behind the struggle may help you choose the right kind of support.
Therapy may help your child learn to handle frustration and get along with friends. Groups and camps give kids a chance to practice skills like turn-taking and compromise with peers, guided by a clinician. For some children with ADHD, medication may also help with the focus and impulse control that hosting requires.
Common questions about hosting playdates
Q: What if my child doesn’t want to share their toys?
A: Before each playdate, talk with your child about which toys they’d like to keep private, and let them put those away. Having that choice gives your child some control, which may make sharing everything else feel easier. Once the special toys are put away, you can explain that anything still out is for sharing, so your child and their guest both know what to expect.
Q: What if the guest wants to do something we don’t allow?
A: Guests may not know your house rules. Put off-limits things away ahead of time, like unplugging the computer, so it doesn’t come up. If it does, you can explain the rule kindly and offer another option.
Q: What if a sibling keeps interrupting?
A: Siblings often want to join in. If you can, plan something else for the sibling during the playdate, so your child and their guest get time on their own.
Helping your child become a good host takes practice. If your child needs help building social skills, at playdates or anywhere else, our team can help. Southeast Psych Nashville offers mental health assessments, individual and family therapy, and other services in Brentwood, Nashville, Franklin, and the entire Middle TN area. Call us to talk about what your child needs.