You sit on carpool line waiting eagerly for your ten-year-old to share how fabulous her day was. You see her walking towards your car, laughing and chatting with her friends and waving goodbye. She opens the car door, slouches in her seat, and before you can even say “Hi honey how was your day?” She screams, “This was the worst day ever! I hate my life!”
You go into panic mode; that unmistakable racing heartbeat, rapid breathing, tightening in your stomach. “What happened?” you scream. “I got into a huge fight with Katie, and she hates me and now all my friends hate me too!” You immediately go into fix it mode without skipping a beat. “Don’t you worry for one more second sweetie. I’ll make this go away. I’ll call Katie’s mother as soon as we get home.”
OK, maybe your scenario is not quite as dramatic, but we have all felt that gut wrenching urge to make our child’s pain and upset go away when they feel distressed. After all, we are human, and our instinct is to protect our offspring.
As a child and family therapist, I see many children who struggle with the normal upsets; fights with friends, a bad grade, a poor performance on the ballfield. Problem is that the level of distress is often disproportionate to the event. The child is inconsolable, can’t calm down, and certainly can’t figure out a solution. Down the road, the child and I will look back on her overblown response and joke that perhaps we should have called 911 after that fight with her best friend.
I think we can all agree that raising resilient kids is a good thing. What do I mean by resilience? When child experiences upset, frustration, worry, anger, they can do so without falling apart. They have the capacity to use coping skills to problem solve.
Parents are on the front line (and in the driver’s seat! to teach this critical life skill to their kids. Instead of jumping to fix things for your child, try helping them figure it out themselves. But here is the hardest part: you will need to model calm, self-regulation, even though you may feel distressed and worried. So, notice your breathing, your bodily sensations. Take a few diaphragmatic breathes and pause until you feel you can offer your child empathy and attunement.
When your child is in a calmer place, ask what they think are the best options. If they can’t come up with any, you can suggest a few, but ask them to decide and give their reasons, the pros and cons of their decision. Praise them for showing independence and skill in problem solving.
No one ever said parenting was easy!! I had a middle school client in New York, whose mother, a busy attorney, got a daily 3:00 PM phone call from her son itemizing his problems. After many parenting chats, she affixed a post-it note on her desktop with the words, “DON’T FIX”!!
Here are some practical suggestions to help your child develop resilience:
- My mantra with parents is: When your child goes up, you go down. As difficult as this may be, we need to model self-regulation during the times when we are likely the most dysregulated, i.e. when our kids are in distress. In fact, you would be amazed how your child can pick up on your non-verbal cues and calm down; try taking several diaphragmatic breaths and speaking softer and slower.
- When upset, your child needs empathy and attunement. This is never a teachable moment. “You sound really angry… I wonder why she might have said that.” Try and stay neutral; reflect what your child is sharing.
- When your child is in a calm space, and only if she wants to talk with you about her upset, see if she can problem solve and come up with solutions. Have her reflect on pros and cons of each option.
- Resist the urge to provide solutions. However, for a child who has some challenges with social skills, he may need some more direct involvement.
At Southeast Psych, we are here for you to support you in your parenting journey every step of the way. Give us a call for a complimentary meet-and-greet.