The way you handle conflict with your partner traces back to the family you grew up in. The people who raised you showed you how disagreements go, which is called modeling because you learned it by watching, so you may expect most people to handle them the same way. A conflict style learned from parents can feel like common sense to you, which is why a clash with a partner who learned a different one may feel so personal, and understanding where your style came from may help you respond to it with more patience.
How two different upbringings collide in one marriage
Consider two people who grew up in very different homes.
In the first home, the family resolved conflict by getting angry, sweeping it under the rug, going to dinner and acting as though nothing had happened, so a person from that home may expect everyone to handle tension the same way and wait for it to blow over.
In the second home, the adults yelled at each other, slammed doors and left abruptly, so a person from that home is more likely to handle conflict the same way, because that's the style they know.
When these two people argue in the same kitchen, they start from opposite ideas of what an argument should look like. One partner may read the other's raised voice as a crisis, while the other reads the quiet dinner as a cold shoulder or a refusal to deal with anything. Each of them handles the argument the way they were raised, and those ways may be total opposites, which is why the fight about the original issue can quickly turn into a second fight about how the two of them fight.
Talk about how arguments went in your house
In order to work through this, it may help to compare how arguments went in each of your homes, because it's hard to change a habit you haven't looked at. Choose a time when neither of you is still annoyed about the last disagreement, and take turns answering a few questions.
- When the adults in your house disagreed, what usually happened next?
- How did you know a fight was over?
- What did it mean in your family when someone raised their voice or went quiet?
- Which of those reactions do you still catch yourself repeating with each other?
Expect some surprises. You may learn that your partner's habit of leaving the room was how every fight ended in their house, or that your silence feels like punishment to them. You can open the conversation with a line like, "I've been thinking about how we each handle arguments. Can I tell you how it worked in my house?" Once you each see how arguments went in the other person's home, you can stop treating a raised voice or a long silence as a verdict on the relationship, and start agreeing on how the two of you want to handle conflict from now on.
How your conflict style reaches your kids
If you have children, they may be learning a conflict style from watching you, in the same way you learned yours. A kid who watches two adults disagree and then talk it through may learn something different than how their parents did growing up.
Common questions about family of origin and conflict
Q: What if my partner avoids talking about their family?
A: Start with your own side by sharing what you saw growing up and how it shows up in you now, since talking about yourself first may feel less like an interrogation and more like an invitation.
Q: Are we stuck with the conflict style we grew up with?
A: A habit you learned early may feel automatic, but it can change once you can see it. Noticing it is the first step, and agreeing on a shared approach with your partner gives you something new to practice.
Q: When should we get outside help?
A: If you keep having the same fight about how you fight, or if old family patterns keep pulling you back to yelling or shutting down, a therapist may help you trace where each of your habits came from and build a shared way of handling conflict.
Changing a conflict style you learned as a child takes practice, and you don't have to do it alone.
Southeast Psych Nashville offers therapy services for couples, relationships and families in Brentwood, Nashville, Franklin, and the entire Middle TN area. Contact our team to talk about what would help you most.
If you or someone you care about is in crisis, please call or text 988 or visit your nearest emergency room.